Breaking News! People Call Khloe Kardashian Fat

The Huffington Post, otherwise known as the news site that only exists to have catchy headlines, ran a shocking story in which it was revealed that Khloe Kardashian is aware that people call her fat and is not very upset by it.

"I'm the ugly sister,I'm the fat one. I'm the transvestite. I have had those mean things said about me at least twice a day for the last five years. It's horrible, you know? But I can brush that stuff off."

Of course this could be interpreted as a message to husky girls everywhere that it's great to be comfortable with who you are and you don't have to be rail thin to be beautiful and fuck the naysayers cause They don't mean a thing and this is what style we bring and all sorts of other things amateur psychiatrists say to make chubsters feel better.

The only problem is that Khloe Kardashian isn't fat.

Khloe Kardashian only looks fat when she's standing next to Kim Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian is quite possibly the hottest woman on the planet. If Khloe had a problem with looking fat she wouldn't hang out with her barbie doll sister. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're going to be compared to the people around you. If I wanted to look badass, I would carry a motorcycle helmet around in a comic book shop, I wouldn't open up the latest Sandman in a biker bar.

Image via Starpulse.com

Sarah Palin Wants More Kids to Be Fat

In a completely transparent example of pandering to her base, Sarah Palin has attacked Michelle Obama over her campaign to stop childhood obesity, According to the Huffington Post. Palin claims that Michelle Obama is being socialist by saying that children shouldn’t be fat, and probably added in some bullshit about how she’s a mamma grizzly or whatever her latest stupid fucking catch phrase is. Obviously the only people who would actually consider voting for Palin are fat housewives with obese children who can’t bear the thought that maybe their kids would have better lives if they could walk from the front door to the ice cream truck without getting out of breath. JUST THE TYPICAL LIBERAL ELITE TRYING TO TELL US HOW TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN. IF I WANT MY SON TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK BY AGE 20 AND DIE BEFORE EVER HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX WITH A WOMAN WHO IS NOT PAID BY THE HALF HOUR IT’S MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN!

Straight Mashed Homie

I don’t know what I was more surprised by: the fact that Randy Moss was in my local shithole bar (he’s shorter and a little bit more pale in person) or the quality of lady he’s pulling these days.

You see that little strip of black being drowned in the rolls? That’s a belt. There’s a special place in heaven for belts that have lives like that.

Look at those fucking arms. it takes serious dedication to grow arms like that. This is not a case of letting yourself go a bit when you have two kids and a career to worry about so your physique stops being a priority. Arms like that are the result of meticulous laziness over years and years. The only times those arms have been raised has been when there was a cheeseburger in them.

Crack Kills

As you enter the office supply store, your gaze is uncontrollably drawn to a patch of darkness. Darker than the loneliest night, darker than your deepest depression, darker than your greatest fears. This tear in the very fabric of reality screams with the promise of unimaginable horrors that await to rape your sanity should light ever be allowed to enter. Your vision blurs, your senses dull, you feel your very essence pulled into the black hole so powerful that nothing, not even pants and an obviously too loose belt, can hide it from the public view.

Finally you pull yourself away, back from the blackness to the colorful world of office supplies. As you lie awake for nights on end trying not to dream of the hole to hell itself you found yourself exposed unwittingly to, you wonder what nefarious plan so captivated the fissure’s caretaker that he lapsed in his duties and allowed that which should never be seen to assault your eyes.

Guy Drops 100 lbs After Seeing How fat He is on Google Street View

This British guy saw that he had become “massive” thanks to google street view, which happened to drive by and snap a picture of his food baby, and decided that he didn’t want to be fat anymore. What happened next is so bizarre that it has garnered international media attention: This fat man who decided he wanted to lose weight changed his diet and started exercising and, hold on to your hats folks, IT WORKED. He lost 100 lbs with this magical regime of diet and exercise.

It’s my second greatest dream to have someone tell me that being featured on Fatspotting made them realize they were probably going to die before retirement and have a terrible, immobile life in the meantime, so they turned it all around and are now slim and sexy. My greatest dream is of course for Jennifer Anniston to tell me she would take it as a huge personal compliment if the sex was quick, because that’s what it is ladies, it wouldn’t be quick if you weren’t pretty, so if your guy is taking hours to finish maybe you should try makeup or a paper bag or something.

Picture from telegraph.co.uk.

Science Ruins Everything Again

Beer Goggles Fog Up Sexual Signals

There goes science once again trying to fuck things up for everybody by somehow implying that beer goggles are a bad thing. A study found that beer affects a man’s ability to determine attractiveness, which is exciting and unexpected news to you… if you’re an idiot. But then these assface scientists go from benign and moronic and kind of cute in an ‘aww wook at the widdle scientists and their widdle prove something obvious tests’ to horrible and atrocious and evil. The scientists now say that when a man drinks, his ability to decipher if a lady is DTF or not goes out the window and he automatically becomes a date rapist.

This is obviously terrible for fat women everywhere who rely on the blinding affects of alcohol to have sex. it’s equally terrible for men everywhere, who use the blinding affects of alcohol to convince their penises that fat women are attractive. If everyone goes around assuming that more than seven drinks will lead to surprise sex, no man will drink and no woman will hang around in bars after 1 am. With nobody having sex or drinking, people will be forced to entertain themselves with either Oreo binges or abducting day laborers and torturing them to death before burying them in unmarked graves behind abandoned industrial parks.

Thanks again science.

There She was Just a Walking Down the Street, Singing ‘Doo A Diddy Ding-Dongs Oreos’

I always wondered how people who don’t have cars manage to get overweight. It takes a lot of dedication to not only eat terribly, and not only eat so much that you overwhelm any calories you burn on your daily trip to the convenience store, but to realize that every time you have to waddle to the store when you want a slim jim it gets harder to make the trip and yet you soldier on and stay the course, no matter how many times you have to stop to catch your breath or rest your obviously overworked ankles.

Not only are there cankles on display in this picture, there are also knankles, which is a new word I've just invented for that wicked sweet thigh roll that connects to the calf .

Dinner for Two for One

In Olde Timey times, fatness was a sign of wealth. Back when eating a plate of bacon meant getting a piglet, then somehow convincing that piglet to transform into a gigantic hog, then killing that hog without using a gun (which meant strangling it or some other olde timey method of hogslaying), then using magic to make it into strips of delicious meat and fat, then giving half that to your local feudal lord, then giving 30% to the church, only the incredibly wealthy could afford to get fat.

Lately, times have been getting tough again. If you’ve spoken to anyone that listens to lots of talk radio lately, you probably know that we are going to be unable to feed ourselves again soon and once again fatness will be attractive because only the wealthy will be able to eat enough to stave off the hunger pangs.

When that day comes, this one double fisting what looks like a wrap and a hot dog at a sit down restaurant will be beating the suitors off with a drumstick.

You Can’t Run With the Big Dogs

You Can’t Run With the Big Dogs. And this big dog obviously can’t run very fast, so where does that put you, tough guy? Huh? nowhere, that’s where.

When I was a kid I was self conscious about my weight so I would always wear a t-shirt when I went swimming. I wonder if there’s a way we can mandate that for any guy with moobs larger than a C-cup.

BBW?

People with a fat fetish might just be the weirdest folks on the planet. Weird fetishes are OK with me, I’m actually really jealous of guys with foot fetishes, they have it really easy since the hottest thing in the world to them is so innocuous that every chick out there just waves hers around like it’s no big thing. The only problem is that it has to be hard for them to search for porn online, because typing in “ped porn” will probably get you added to a few watch lists and probably prevent you from getting that job at the YMCA. For that matter what are foot fetish people called? it’s not pedophile, so how do they identify themselves?

Fat fetish guys have it pretty easy too, since fat girls have poor self esteem and even worse self control, which makes hooking up with one easier than drilling a hole in a watermelon and microwaving it. But that only really applies to normal heavy girls, what we have in this video is a completely different animal. It doesn’t even look human. For the first ten seconds of this video I wasn’t sure which side I was looking at.

Don’t watch this.

I warned you. Now go do some situps.

Back Hair

I’m totally ambivalent on what to do about back hair. Obviously it’s gross, it looks just like pubes, except without the thrill of impending genital fun. But what do you do with it? Shaving is hard, and you can’t possibly keep up with mowing the amount of real estate this guy’s dealing with. Maybe waxing? I don’t know much about it, since mine isn’t a huge problem and I’m not particularly self conscious, but I think waxing you need to let it grow a bunch before you do it again, so then you’d be like a disgusting hedgehog instead of a disgusting pube monster.

This guy is obviously not self conscious either, because he was lumbering around Toys R Us with a tank top on, showing off his full body pubic hair coverage. The fact that this was in Toys R Us also explains the poor picture quality, I had to take it on the run because I don’t really want to have a chat with the local constabulary about why a grown man was in Toys R Us taking cell phone pictures (I wanted a slip n slide for the record).

The Saddest Boy in The World

I don’t normally feel bad about making fun of people for their weight because it’s their own damn fault that they got to the point where they are no longer physically capable of touching their own toes (Winnie the Pooh could do it, if you’re less physically able than a silly old bear then there’s pretty clearly an issue) . These people who have the terrible combination of a tendency to overeat and underexercise need to be informed of the fact that their life decisions are not only decreasing their life spans but also their quality of life and that there are options out there. Also they’re gross looking and if I’m forced to see a bunch of wheezing blubberblobs waddling around every time I want to buy a slip n slide, I’m going to turn my frown upside down by having a laugh at their expense.

This boy though, I feel bad for.

He’s a slightly overweight (not really that fat, but just enough that any girl that dated him would be forced to tell people that she likes “big squishy” guys to save face even though every time he slaps her with that belly during sex she closes her eyes and pictures the guy from the Old Spice commercials). But what’s really sad is that this guy not only works at Toys R Us, but he shops their too (I know I was at Toys R Us so I seem just as pathetic in that aspect, but for the record there were no slip n slides left because this was October and I didn’t purchase anything so shut the fuck up Mrs Nitpicker). This dude had legos in his hand, so he was obviously driving his 1995 Chevy Camaro that he hopes will get girls for him like it did for his brother back in ’99 (spoiler alert: it won’t) home to his miniature castle where he gets to, for just one moment, believe that he is the dashing prince with a beautiful princess waiting for him to rescue her.

The Worst Part is the Anticipation

I’ve been flying recently, so of course my biggest fear is having to sit next to a fat person on the plane. Sure things like terrorism or flocks of birds or a sudden unexpected tornado at 30,000 feet or a vengeful Thor seeking atonement for a past insult could all cause the plane to crash, which would be worse in the long run, but sitting next to some blob with no self control who spills over the seat is more likely.

Recently I was flying on Southwest, and since I’m not a total fucking douchebag who pays extra for the privilege of sitting down before everyone else, I always fly in the B or C groups. In this case, the C group is actually best because when you’re in group B, you’re usually sitting in a row with only one other person, so you still run the risk of a fat person from group C plopping their plump down and squeezing you either into the aisle or squishing you into the window.

Last month I spent an hour in anticipatory anxiety because this gigantor was on my flight and probably plotting to sit down next to me and spill over her seat and suffocate me. My death would go undiscovered until the plane landed and she finally hoisted herself out of the seat to go find her humongous “carry on” bag that people still insist on filling the entire fucking plane with even though southwest lets you check two bags for free.

Lady With the Fattest Arms Ever Lights the Pig Calling Contest on Fire, Then Gets Robbed

I don’t know what the grading rubric is for pig calling contests, but the judges at the Illinois state fair are on the take for sure. There’s no way that someone comes out with that kind of passion and intensity doesn’t win. This is as bad as when they gave that halfwit Taylor swift the sympathy vma last year #kanyewasrightanditsbettertobeinterestingthaninnocent. This lady also has the weirdest fat arms I’ve ever seen, she looks like that steroid guy from the pictures everybody assumes are photoshopped, except instead of steroids she was injecting mashed potatoes.

Foxy Brown Looks Good…

Foxy Brown kind of has the right idea here. Ladies if you know before you leave the house that you’re going to be below the 50th percentile of attractiveness at whatever bar or club you’re leaving for, your best bet for not ending up lonely is to let everyone know you’re easy. there’s a reason McDonalds advertises on every billboard, every radio and tv station, and every newspaper in the country but Ruth’s Chris steakhouse has an advertising budget that amounts to less than a meal there. Nobody’s driving 45 minutes to get to a McDonalds, so if you’re a Mickey Ds level lady, you need to let everyone know you’re open and it’s cheap.

That being said, there’s a point where “easy” looking gives way to “infected” looking, and at that point you’re no longer McDonalds, you’re a sandwich picked out of a garbage can. Foxy Brown’s outfit choice here is a perfect example of crossing that line. Here’s an easy to follow rule for fat girls (and actually every woman in the entire world): if a stripper in a club with no cover charge would wear something, you shouldn’t.

The best part is the guy’s face in the first picture.

All pictures (obviously) via Ihadheard.com, and they have more.

Allergic to Vegetables

My good friend the Lard Logger sent me some pictures from his recent trip to the supermarket. I’m kind of like Jekyll and Hyde at the supermarket. The Jekyll personality in me spends 4 fucking hours buying a single meal because I check the nutrition facts on everything in a desperate attempt to balance binge drinking with good eating to hopefully not end up with adult onset diabetes. My Hyde shopping mindset ends up just waltzing through the store grabbing jalapeño Pringles and fried chicken and Chef Boyardee and Pepperidge Farms Verona cookies (Milanos ain’t got shit on Veronas, and anyone who thinks differently is a fucking moron who should just cut their tongue off now), just chomping anything that I see. From the looks of things, these folks are missing the Jekyll part of their brains.

These folks actually aren’t that fat, but that fried chicken isn’t exactly adding years to anyone’s life.

The worst fucking thing in the world is arm fat. You’re allowed to give yourself heart disease if you love cheeseburgers enough that a life without them isn’t worth living, but for the love of god please don’t wear sleeveless shirts if your arms look like bags full of water.