Straight Mashed Homie

I don’t know what I was more surprised by: the fact that Randy Moss was in my local shithole bar (he’s shorter and a little bit more pale in person) or the quality of lady he’s pulling these days.

You see that little strip of black being drowned in the rolls? That’s a belt. There’s a special place in heaven for belts that have lives like that.

Look at those fucking arms. it takes serious dedication to grow arms like that. This is not a case of letting yourself go a bit when you have two kids and a career to worry about so your physique stops being a priority. Arms like that are the result of meticulous laziness over years and years. The only times those arms have been raised has been when there was a cheeseburger in them.

This Guy Can Never Check Out His Own Butt Hole

I have a pimple or a boil or something on my ass, above the hole but between the cheeks. I'm not too into anal peering (though that's probably a more valid way to predict someone's future than palm reading, at least you'd have some insight into their diet and hygiene so you could make an educated guess as to their life expectancy), so the only way I found out about this is that I started seeing little drops of blood on my TP after wiping my bottom. As far as I can tell, every time I sit down to crap, i spread my cheeks for the first time in a few hours (lactose intolerance has me in and out of the bathroom like my name is [insert popular celebrity with a drug problem] at a rehab facility).

Anyway as I was pulling my cheeks apart yesterday while looking in the mirror to investigate the blood coming from my butt, I though to myself "if I were really fat, I couldn't do this." Can you imagine the horror of having an unknown source of blood in your anal region and not being physically able to check if it's coming from a wound of some sort or has an internal source? That alone is would keep me from gorging myself on six helpings of fish and chips every Friday night. Not this guy though:

Kolossal at KFC

Stopped by KFC Taco Bell the other day to work on my own dingage, and big surprise what did I see there? Some shecows out for a graze.

There are some good dings in this picture, but what's that hiding in the background?

POW. Guess who got a bucket of soda all for herself?

A Blur of Blob

My favorite part of this photo is how his hat bulges out from his head just like his shirt. He's either got an awesome sense of fashion and knows that his look is defined by bulge and ran with it, or he's got a really fat head. I feel like fat folks have one distinct advantage over skinnies and normals when it comes to tattoos, because they have so much more canvas to paint on.

Once he was finally cleared to enter the restaurant, he lumbered at almost human speeds and the shutter speed on my cell phone was unable to capture a clear picture.

Hooters Hogger

The dinger at the center has obviously participated in a few chicken holocausts in his day, but look two tables down from him... Wowza what a whale. I hope they stress tested that stool before that heffer hefted his hocks onto it. I didn't stop to check, but I'll bet $1 that not one bit of that seat was visible from the sides.