The Saddest Boy in The World

I don’t normally feel bad about making fun of people for their weight because it’s their own damn fault that they got to the point where they are no longer physically capable of touching their own toes (Winnie the Pooh could do it, if you’re less physically able than a silly old bear then there’s pretty clearly an issue) . These people who have the terrible combination of a tendency to overeat and underexercise need to be informed of the fact that their life decisions are not only decreasing their life spans but also their quality of life and that there are options out there. Also they’re gross looking and if I’m forced to see a bunch of wheezing blubberblobs waddling around every time I want to buy a slip n slide, I’m going to turn my frown upside down by having a laugh at their expense.

This boy though, I feel bad for.

He’s a slightly overweight (not really that fat, but just enough that any girl that dated him would be forced to tell people that she likes “big squishy” guys to save face even though every time he slaps her with that belly during sex she closes her eyes and pictures the guy from the Old Spice commercials). But what’s really sad is that this guy not only works at Toys R Us, but he shops their too (I know I was at Toys R Us so I seem just as pathetic in that aspect, but for the record there were no slip n slides left because this was October and I didn’t purchase anything so shut the fuck up Mrs Nitpicker). This dude had legos in his hand, so he was obviously driving his 1995 Chevy Camaro that he hopes will get girls for him like it did for his brother back in ’99 (spoiler alert: it won’t) home to his miniature castle where he gets to, for just one moment, believe that he is the dashing prince with a beautiful princess waiting for him to rescue her.