Science Ruins Everything Again

Beer Goggles Fog Up Sexual Signals

There goes science once again trying to fuck things up for everybody by somehow implying that beer goggles are a bad thing. A study found that beer affects a man’s ability to determine attractiveness, which is exciting and unexpected news to you… if you’re an idiot. But then these assface scientists go from benign and moronic and kind of cute in an ‘aww wook at the widdle scientists and their widdle prove something obvious tests’ to horrible and atrocious and evil. The scientists now say that when a man drinks, his ability to decipher if a lady is DTF or not goes out the window and he automatically becomes a date rapist.

This is obviously terrible for fat women everywhere who rely on the blinding affects of alcohol to have sex. it’s equally terrible for men everywhere, who use the blinding affects of alcohol to convince their penises that fat women are attractive. If everyone goes around assuming that more than seven drinks will lead to surprise sex, no man will drink and no woman will hang around in bars after 1 am. With nobody having sex or drinking, people will be forced to entertain themselves with either Oreo binges or abducting day laborers and torturing them to death before burying them in unmarked graves behind abandoned industrial parks.

Thanks again science.

Foxy Brown Looks Good…

Foxy Brown kind of has the right idea here. Ladies if you know before you leave the house that you’re going to be below the 50th percentile of attractiveness at whatever bar or club you’re leaving for, your best bet for not ending up lonely is to let everyone know you’re easy. there’s a reason McDonalds advertises on every billboard, every radio and tv station, and every newspaper in the country but Ruth’s Chris steakhouse has an advertising budget that amounts to less than a meal there. Nobody’s driving 45 minutes to get to a McDonalds, so if you’re a Mickey Ds level lady, you need to let everyone know you’re open and it’s cheap.

That being said, there’s a point where “easy” looking gives way to “infected” looking, and at that point you’re no longer McDonalds, you’re a sandwich picked out of a garbage can. Foxy Brown’s outfit choice here is a perfect example of crossing that line. Here’s an easy to follow rule for fat girls (and actually every woman in the entire world): if a stripper in a club with no cover charge would wear something, you shouldn’t.

The best part is the guy’s face in the first picture.

All pictures (obviously) via Ihadheard.com, and they have more.

Allergic to Vegetables

My good friend the Lard Logger sent me some pictures from his recent trip to the supermarket. I’m kind of like Jekyll and Hyde at the supermarket. The Jekyll personality in me spends 4 fucking hours buying a single meal because I check the nutrition facts on everything in a desperate attempt to balance binge drinking with good eating to hopefully not end up with adult onset diabetes. My Hyde shopping mindset ends up just waltzing through the store grabbing jalapeño Pringles and fried chicken and Chef Boyardee and Pepperidge Farms Verona cookies (Milanos ain’t got shit on Veronas, and anyone who thinks differently is a fucking moron who should just cut their tongue off now), just chomping anything that I see. From the looks of things, these folks are missing the Jekyll part of their brains.

These folks actually aren’t that fat, but that fried chicken isn’t exactly adding years to anyone’s life.

The worst fucking thing in the world is arm fat. You’re allowed to give yourself heart disease if you love cheeseburgers enough that a life without them isn’t worth living, but for the love of god please don’t wear sleeveless shirts if your arms look like bags full of water.