Breaking News! People Call Khloe Kardashian Fat

The Huffington Post, otherwise known as the news site that only exists to have catchy headlines, ran a shocking story in which it was revealed that Khloe Kardashian is aware that people call her fat and is not very upset by it.

"I'm the ugly sister,I'm the fat one. I'm the transvestite. I have had those mean things said about me at least twice a day for the last five years. It's horrible, you know? But I can brush that stuff off."

Of course this could be interpreted as a message to husky girls everywhere that it's great to be comfortable with who you are and you don't have to be rail thin to be beautiful and fuck the naysayers cause They don't mean a thing and this is what style we bring and all sorts of other things amateur psychiatrists say to make chubsters feel better.

The only problem is that Khloe Kardashian isn't fat.

Khloe Kardashian only looks fat when she's standing next to Kim Kardashian, and Kim Kardashian is quite possibly the hottest woman on the planet. If Khloe had a problem with looking fat she wouldn't hang out with her barbie doll sister. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're going to be compared to the people around you. If I wanted to look badass, I would carry a motorcycle helmet around in a comic book shop, I wouldn't open up the latest Sandman in a biker bar.

Image via Starpulse.com

Sarah Palin Wants More Kids to Be Fat

In a completely transparent example of pandering to her base, Sarah Palin has attacked Michelle Obama over her campaign to stop childhood obesity, According to the Huffington Post. Palin claims that Michelle Obama is being socialist by saying that children shouldn’t be fat, and probably added in some bullshit about how she’s a mamma grizzly or whatever her latest stupid fucking catch phrase is. Obviously the only people who would actually consider voting for Palin are fat housewives with obese children who can’t bear the thought that maybe their kids would have better lives if they could walk from the front door to the ice cream truck without getting out of breath. JUST THE TYPICAL LIBERAL ELITE TRYING TO TELL US HOW TO RAISE OUR CHILDREN. IF I WANT MY SON TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK BY AGE 20 AND DIE BEFORE EVER HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX WITH A WOMAN WHO IS NOT PAID BY THE HALF HOUR IT’S MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN!

Straight Mashed Homie

I don’t know what I was more surprised by: the fact that Randy Moss was in my local shithole bar (he’s shorter and a little bit more pale in person) or the quality of lady he’s pulling these days.

You see that little strip of black being drowned in the rolls? That’s a belt. There’s a special place in heaven for belts that have lives like that.

Look at those fucking arms. it takes serious dedication to grow arms like that. This is not a case of letting yourself go a bit when you have two kids and a career to worry about so your physique stops being a priority. Arms like that are the result of meticulous laziness over years and years. The only times those arms have been raised has been when there was a cheeseburger in them.

Crack Kills

As you enter the office supply store, your gaze is uncontrollably drawn to a patch of darkness. Darker than the loneliest night, darker than your deepest depression, darker than your greatest fears. This tear in the very fabric of reality screams with the promise of unimaginable horrors that await to rape your sanity should light ever be allowed to enter. Your vision blurs, your senses dull, you feel your very essence pulled into the black hole so powerful that nothing, not even pants and an obviously too loose belt, can hide it from the public view.

Finally you pull yourself away, back from the blackness to the colorful world of office supplies. As you lie awake for nights on end trying not to dream of the hole to hell itself you found yourself exposed unwittingly to, you wonder what nefarious plan so captivated the fissure’s caretaker that he lapsed in his duties and allowed that which should never be seen to assault your eyes.

Guy Drops 100 lbs After Seeing How fat He is on Google Street View

This British guy saw that he had become “massive” thanks to google street view, which happened to drive by and snap a picture of his food baby, and decided that he didn’t want to be fat anymore. What happened next is so bizarre that it has garnered international media attention: This fat man who decided he wanted to lose weight changed his diet and started exercising and, hold on to your hats folks, IT WORKED. He lost 100 lbs with this magical regime of diet and exercise.

It’s my second greatest dream to have someone tell me that being featured on Fatspotting made them realize they were probably going to die before retirement and have a terrible, immobile life in the meantime, so they turned it all around and are now slim and sexy. My greatest dream is of course for Jennifer Anniston to tell me she would take it as a huge personal compliment if the sex was quick, because that’s what it is ladies, it wouldn’t be quick if you weren’t pretty, so if your guy is taking hours to finish maybe you should try makeup or a paper bag or something.

Picture from telegraph.co.uk.

Science Ruins Everything Again

Beer Goggles Fog Up Sexual Signals

There goes science once again trying to fuck things up for everybody by somehow implying that beer goggles are a bad thing. A study found that beer affects a man’s ability to determine attractiveness, which is exciting and unexpected news to you… if you’re an idiot. But then these assface scientists go from benign and moronic and kind of cute in an ‘aww wook at the widdle scientists and their widdle prove something obvious tests’ to horrible and atrocious and evil. The scientists now say that when a man drinks, his ability to decipher if a lady is DTF or not goes out the window and he automatically becomes a date rapist.

This is obviously terrible for fat women everywhere who rely on the blinding affects of alcohol to have sex. it’s equally terrible for men everywhere, who use the blinding affects of alcohol to convince their penises that fat women are attractive. If everyone goes around assuming that more than seven drinks will lead to surprise sex, no man will drink and no woman will hang around in bars after 1 am. With nobody having sex or drinking, people will be forced to entertain themselves with either Oreo binges or abducting day laborers and torturing them to death before burying them in unmarked graves behind abandoned industrial parks.

Thanks again science.

There She was Just a Walking Down the Street, Singing ‘Doo A Diddy Ding-Dongs Oreos’

I always wondered how people who don’t have cars manage to get overweight. It takes a lot of dedication to not only eat terribly, and not only eat so much that you overwhelm any calories you burn on your daily trip to the convenience store, but to realize that every time you have to waddle to the store when you want a slim jim it gets harder to make the trip and yet you soldier on and stay the course, no matter how many times you have to stop to catch your breath or rest your obviously overworked ankles.

Not only are there cankles on display in this picture, there are also knankles, which is a new word I've just invented for that wicked sweet thigh roll that connects to the calf .

Dinner for Two for One

In Olde Timey times, fatness was a sign of wealth. Back when eating a plate of bacon meant getting a piglet, then somehow convincing that piglet to transform into a gigantic hog, then killing that hog without using a gun (which meant strangling it or some other olde timey method of hogslaying), then using magic to make it into strips of delicious meat and fat, then giving half that to your local feudal lord, then giving 30% to the church, only the incredibly wealthy could afford to get fat.

Lately, times have been getting tough again. If you’ve spoken to anyone that listens to lots of talk radio lately, you probably know that we are going to be unable to feed ourselves again soon and once again fatness will be attractive because only the wealthy will be able to eat enough to stave off the hunger pangs.

When that day comes, this one double fisting what looks like a wrap and a hot dog at a sit down restaurant will be beating the suitors off with a drumstick.