You Can’t Run With the Big Dogs. And this big dog obviously can’t run very fast, so where does that put you, tough guy? Huh? nowhere, that’s where.
When I was a kid I was self conscious about my weight so I would always wear a t-shirt when I went swimming. I wonder if there’s a way we can mandate that for any guy with moobs larger than a C-cup.
People with a fat fetish might just be the weirdest folks on the planet. Weird fetishes are OK with me, I’m actually really jealous of guys with foot fetishes, they have it really easy since the hottest thing in the world to them is so innocuous that every chick out there just waves hers around like it’s no big thing. The only problem is that it has to be hard for them to search for porn online, because typing in “ped porn” will probably get you added to a few watch lists and probably prevent you from getting that job at the YMCA. For that matter what are foot fetish people called? it’s not pedophile, so how do they identify themselves?
Fat fetish guys have it pretty easy too, since fat girls have poor self esteem and even worse self control, which makes hooking up with one easier than drilling a hole in a watermelon and microwaving it. But that only really applies to normal heavy girls, what we have in this video is a completely different animal. It doesn’t even look human. For the first ten seconds of this video I wasn’t sure which side I was looking at.
Don’t watch this.
I warned you. Now go do some situps.
I’m totally ambivalent on what to do about back hair. Obviously it’s gross, it looks just like pubes, except without the thrill of impending genital fun. But what do you do with it? Shaving is hard, and you can’t possibly keep up with mowing the amount of real estate this guy’s dealing with. Maybe waxing? I don’t know much about it, since mine isn’t a huge problem and I’m not particularly self conscious, but I think waxing you need to let it grow a bunch before you do it again, so then you’d be like a disgusting hedgehog instead of a disgusting pube monster.
This guy is obviously not self conscious either, because he was lumbering around Toys R Us with a tank top on, showing off his full body pubic hair coverage. The fact that this was in Toys R Us also explains the poor picture quality, I had to take it on the run because I don’t really want to have a chat with the local constabulary about why a grown man was in Toys R Us taking cell phone pictures (I wanted a slip n slide for the record).
This boy though, I feel bad for.
He’s a slightly overweight (not really that fat, but just enough that any girl that dated him would be forced to tell people that she likes “big squishy” guys to save face even though every time he slaps her with that belly during sex she closes her eyes and pictures the guy from the Old Spice commercials). But what’s really sad is that this guy not only works at Toys R Us, but he shops their too (I know I was at Toys R Us so I seem just as pathetic in that aspect, but for the record there were no slip n slides left because this was October and I didn’t purchase anything so shut the fuck up Mrs Nitpicker). This dude had legos in his hand, so he was obviously driving his 1995 Chevy Camaro that he hopes will get girls for him like it did for his brother back in ’99 (spoiler alert: it won’t) home to his miniature castle where he gets to, for just one moment, believe that he is the dashing prince with a beautiful princess waiting for him to rescue her.
I’ve been flying recently, so of course my biggest fear is having to sit next to a fat person on the plane. Sure things like terrorism or flocks of birds or a sudden unexpected tornado at 30,000 feet or a vengeful Thor seeking atonement for a past insult could all cause the plane to crash, which would be worse in the long run, but sitting next to some blob with no self control who spills over the seat is more likely.
Recently I was flying on Southwest, and since I’m not a total fucking douchebag who pays extra for the privilege of sitting down before everyone else, I always fly in the B or C groups. In this case, the C group is actually best because when you’re in group B, you’re usually sitting in a row with only one other person, so you still run the risk of a fat person from group C plopping their plump down and squeezing you either into the aisle or squishing you into the window.
Last month I spent an hour in anticipatory anxiety because this gigantor was on my flight and probably plotting to sit down next to me and spill over her seat and suffocate me. My death would go undiscovered until the plane landed and she finally hoisted herself out of the seat to go find her humongous “carry on” bag that people still insist on filling the entire fucking plane with even though southwest lets you check two bags for free.
I don’t know what the grading rubric is for pig calling contests, but the judges at the Illinois state fair are on the take for sure. There’s no way that someone comes out with that kind of passion and intensity doesn’t win. This is as bad as when they gave that halfwit Taylor swift the sympathy vma last year #kanyewasrightanditsbettertobeinterestingthaninnocent. This lady also has the weirdest fat arms I’ve ever seen, she looks like that steroid guy from the pictures everybody assumes are photoshopped, except instead of steroids she was injecting mashed potatoes.
That being said, there’s a point where “easy” looking gives way to “infected” looking, and at that point you’re no longer McDonalds, you’re a sandwich picked out of a garbage can. Foxy Brown’s outfit choice here is a perfect example of crossing that line. Here’s an easy to follow rule for fat girls (and actually every woman in the entire world): if a stripper in a club with no cover charge would wear something, you shouldn’t.
The best part is the guy’s face in the first picture.
All pictures (obviously) via Ihadheard.com, and they have more.
These folks actually aren’t that fat, but that fried chicken isn’t exactly adding years to anyone’s life.
The worst fucking thing in the world is arm fat. You’re allowed to give yourself heart disease if you love cheeseburgers enough that a life without them isn’t worth living, but for the love of god please don’t wear sleeveless shirts if your arms look like bags full of water.
