FATJITSU

This tubbo got kicked out of her world of warcraft guild, and then forced to live in a tailer park and wear a white trash bandana that I think says boner (which is ironic because no boner will ever get that close to her face). When a person is faced with that sort of injustice they can do two things: fight for widespread social change, like Ghandi or Mandela did, or make a youtube video threatening your formal guildmates with a piece of metal and some sweet ass ninjitsu moves.

She's got a good point, she can get low to the ground. Her only problem is that it takes her half an hour and a team of draft horses to get back up. Some advice for whoever this video was originally designed for: Look up Kalib Starnes, his fight strategy is perfect for this blob.

This Guy Can Never Check Out His Own Butt Hole

I have a pimple or a boil or something on my ass, above the hole but between the cheeks. I'm not too into anal peering (though that's probably a more valid way to predict someone's future than palm reading, at least you'd have some insight into their diet and hygiene so you could make an educated guess as to their life expectancy), so the only way I found out about this is that I started seeing little drops of blood on my TP after wiping my bottom. As far as I can tell, every time I sit down to crap, i spread my cheeks for the first time in a few hours (lactose intolerance has me in and out of the bathroom like my name is [insert popular celebrity with a drug problem] at a rehab facility).

Anyway as I was pulling my cheeks apart yesterday while looking in the mirror to investigate the blood coming from my butt, I though to myself "if I were really fat, I couldn't do this." Can you imagine the horror of having an unknown source of blood in your anal region and not being physically able to check if it's coming from a wound of some sort or has an internal source? That alone is would keep me from gorging myself on six helpings of fish and chips every Friday night. Not this guy though:

Horizontal Lines

Now I'm a heterosexual man who's subscription to Esquire has lapsed, so I don't make any claims about being up to date on the latest fashions. That being said, I was always under the impression that horizontal lines make you look fatter. I've done my whole life believing that the only people who should seek out horizontal stripes are skinny girls who want to make their boobs look a little bit bigger. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe someday a hot ass chubbster will show me how horizontal lines can work on a big girl.

Today is not that day.